Mènage á Trois, Pinot Grigio ($10)
Agreeable with a night out or a good cry, this Grigio has just enough acidity and fruity notes to get you dancing (or sobbing). Its supreme sippability makes it a stand-alone gem, but also allows it to play nicely with lighter dishes.
Morse Code, Shiraz ($9)
I'd recommend this bad boy for a dinner party or date night. The licorice and berry blend gives it a subtle sweetness. This wine also gives you the chance to impress/annoy your friends with pretentious wine descriptors like "medium-bodied" and "slight oaky finish".
Cupcake, Prosecco ($8)
Dry, bubbly and semi-sweet: this wine is reason enough to celebrate. It's creamy without being heavy and citrusy without overpowering the toasty finish.
Expect and prepare for temptation during your transitional period from Tasteless Wine Baboon (TWB) to Superior Tannin Taster (STT). Your friends will be chasing shots of Vladimir with Barefoot Moscato and you might catch your monkey brain longing for the old days, a simpler time, when you drank rat poison and liquid sugar, and liked it. And sure, you might indulge in a gross shooter every now and again, but NEVER drink:
Costco or any other grocery store wine
Watered down and wasteful. Not only are they lacking in any interesting flavor, grocery store wines introduce you to the world without your consent: "I'm an alcoholic, cheap, stupid, or a cheap stupid alcoholic". They'll give you a bland buzz followed by a day-long hangover. Do not trust them.
Okay, I lied. This one takes the "cheap, stupid alcoholic" cake. We've all been there, slapping the bag on a Saturday night, people cheering as you suck the communal spout. But it's time to move on. Unless you're really trying to black out, then by all means.
Fresh from the factory, the wine equivalent to fast-food.
Any jugged wine raises an air of suspicion.
Sutter Home and Barefoot
These wines are synonymous with "white girl wasted". Don't.